The Washington Pox

Democratic presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama told reporters today that he “reconsidering the whole black identity thing.” In the aftermath of the continuing controversy over his former pastor, Obama said, “Being black is turning out to be far more trouble than it’s worth. I mean, who needs this kind of headache?”

After disavowing Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s comments for the three hundredth time, Obama said that he was now willing to be white. “Look how many grumpy, disaffected white people are flocking to Clinton and McCain,” he said, “and all they have to do is stand there and be white. OK, I’m going to be white, too.”

Obama noted that he had been white for a while during his childhood, but, “It relegated me to a life of bland food and dopey music.” During his teens he opted for a black identity “because someone told me it would be a good career move. I’m not so sure they were right.”

The candidate said that he would file change of race papers later this week, “probably in Fort Worth or some other really white place.”

Faithful Gasp As Foster Brooks Materializes on White House Balcony

No one among the thousands of worshipers and fans of Pope Benedict XVI gathered on the White House lawn could have predicted that they would witness a miracle unlike any other.

Three minutes into Benedict’s prepared remarks, onlookers sighted a spectral presence glowing between the Pope and President George W. Bush. Within moments, the inchoate light took the form of beloved comedian Foster Brooks, who died in 2001. Brooks, billed as “The Lovable Lush,” began to go into his act, although no sound came from his ghostly lips.

Soon, the Pope and Bush soon found themselves facing a giggling and pointing audience. Several called out, “Do the airline pilot routine,” at which point the Pope began to flap his arms, unaware of the unworldly presence behind him. A minute later and the ghost disappeared.

When later informed of the appearance of Brooks, the Pope said, “He was a very great man, and I regard his manifestation as a sign from above. And that reminds me, did you hear the one about the protestant skydiver who fell to his death last week when his flippers failed to open? Uh-oh, I hope Bush didn’t hear that one.”

Millions of Fat, Carbound Americans Fear The Worst

As prices of food and fuel continue to rise, Americans see their lifestyle increasingly threatened. “I’m afraid,” said Glendale, Arizona escrow officer Garnet Rosenstuffl, “I’m afraid that all we worked for — the chance to engage in nonstop gluttony and endless, pointless driving — will be lost if the economy continues in this direction.”

President George Bush, too, was concerned over rising prices. “We’ve sacrificed thousands of American lives and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis so that our citizens could have unlimited gasoline,” he said yesterday at the White House. “It may be that these brave efforts will not keep American’s Ford Explorers, Chevy Tahoes and our monstrous Hummers rolling. And that would be sad.”

Parents were especially fearful. “What if can’t afford to give my kids constant Hotpockets, Doritos and stuffed pizzas?” asked Grand Rapids, Michigan soccer mom, Nancy Ellen Contuzzione. “And what if I can’t drive them from lacrosse to swimming to guitar lesson to to origami classes to playdates to little league to community theater to choir practice every day from morning till night till I can’t stand it any more? What if they have to stay home?”

But at least one American wasn’t worried. Archer Daniels Midland Chairman Patricia A. Woertz told The Pox, “We don’t care how much food is available, as long as we get lots and lots of money for it.”

WASHINGTON — On Capitol Hill today, Senator John McCain told General David Petraeus that he was “tired of the Iraq War and would like the General to suggest a new, much better war — preferably far away from Iraq.”

McCain, who occasionally seems to be campaigning for the presidency, said he had “had it up to here with the Sunnis and Shi’as and all the other tongue-twisting stupid Arab names that I’ve tried to say for the last five years. Those Arabs seem to have a different word for everything. I can’t keep it straight and you can bet the American public can’t keep it straight, either.”

Petraeus reminded McCain that despite decades of American dominance around the world, “people in other countries still keep speaking other languages, and that probably no matter where we invade it’ll be the same problem. Nevertheless, Senator, ever since I read a biography of Teddy Roosevelt, I’d like to charge up San Juan Hill.”

McCain replied that maybe Petraeus could invade Cuba instead.

The hearing ended when Senator Joseph Lieberman suggested that everyone concerned simply buy $100 worth of Israel Bonds and then go out for drinks.